Afterdusk - Discussion

Alblaka · January 23, 2013 at 11:30 PM Official Post

As announced, I've finally finished my 2nd (3rd, if you count the sub-par stuff I once wrote and published as a book) longest project, a story which I started somewhen last year (spring or summer), then stopped halfway and resumed a few weeks ago.

I've hinted it in the story's main thread, but the story does contain quite a few references to video games, TV series and one of my favourite books. I'm looking forward to discussions and guesses in this regard
Oh, and you may or may not make vague guesses in regards to the devotement, but since her character was pretty much the model for Miranda, I felt as if it was suitable to mention her. Those knowing me well will recognize her.

edit:
Whilst typing 'edit:', I forgot the important thing I had previously forgotten to mention, yet again >.>
editedit:

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Oh, I remembered... haha @ people going to hate me for ending a story with cliffhanger again

thepowdertoy · January 24, 2013 at 7:52 AM

A nice story!....

More about my opinion is below:

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Story spoiler inbound

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Well, this story is about (at a first glance, because I don't yet read the full story) about mankind doing a extremely foolish stuff of NOT killing a apocalyptic meteor because of their greed of
Crinium..... I like sci-fi post apocalyptic story... Anyway apparently their are stupid enough to let the meteor crash instead of boosting its velocity and making it orbit the planet and mine it from there... but they don't know about the dangerous property of Crinium.. and maybe it's because they doesn't have enough Crinium to properly test its properties... Again this is because of greed.. Off topic stuff below:

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Because this is IC2 forums, and this element meets nearly all qualifications for a hayoish material, lets put this inside IC2! Just saying, not a serious suggestion

bbqroast · February 1, 2013 at 7:57 AM

Amazing, as always Alblaka.

The story line is good, the main issue I see is your spelling/grammar (which is obviously not your fault, German being your 1st language). If you got an editor (Aren't you at university? If so I'm sure there will be someone doing a English major/minor who would run it through for a few cups of coffee) I can see this selling on the Kindle store. It's a good book, perhaps a bit niche, but nice none the less.

Also, when you say "noone" do you mean "no one" (as in no person) or "none" (as in a lack of something).

Alblaka · February 1, 2013 at 11:14 AM Official Post

Well, the last offer I saw for English proofreading was (with the length of my story) ranging in the pricing of a 3 digit sum, not 'a few cups of coffee'. And I've no friend/relative/guy-who-owns-me-something who could be doing the proofreading, either.
Except for Shalashalska of course, one of the IC forum users who spends his free time checking the stories for errors, albeit it of course takes time. Once he's done I will reupload AfterDusk, like I did with a few other stories before.

Definitely need to improve my English though, if I still drop that many grammar errors all across the place
And yes, was supposed to be 'no one'.

Thanks for the critique, in either case.

Sinnaj63 · February 1, 2013 at 8:36 PM

I never read much books from web authors, and mostly I do that only to be able to say how bad the story is, but your books where on my long ToDo List for a long time, and not even to write bad about it, but because I like reading. Anyway, from the books start off, I really liked it. Numbered Citys, such as City 17, City 18 or City 63, Spacecrafts and even a amazing main story! But I have got some questions nobody else would ask:
What food ate all the people in the cities?
It rained one or two times-Does that mean that you will make lightning rod gens?xD
Where did you got all your ideas from?

bbqroast · February 1, 2013 at 9:36 PM

Quote from Alblaka

Well, the last offer I saw for English proofreading was (with the length of my story) ranging in the pricing of a 3 digit sum, not 'a few cups of coffee'. And I've no friend/relative/guy-who-owns-me-something who could be doing the proofreading, either.
Except for Shalashalska of course, one of the IC forum users who spends his free time checking the stories for errors, albeit it of course takes time. Once he's done I will reupload AfterDusk, like I did with a few other stories before.

Definitely need to improve my English though, if I still drop that many grammar errors all across the place
And yes, was supposed to be 'no one'.

Thanks for the critique, in either case.

Your English is fine, and would work well if spoken. But it doesn't translate on to text very well, at the start it wasn't great but by the end it was practically up to the standard of a well educated person with English as their first language. Did you write this story over a long time (over witch your English improved) or do you take a while to get into the English mood?

skavier470 · February 2, 2013 at 1:37 AM

Quote from Alblaka

Link to story

As announced, I've finally finished my 2nd (3rd, if you count the sub-par stuff I once wrote and published as a book) longest project, a story which I started somewhen last year (spring or summer), then stopped halfway and resumed a few weeks ago.
[/spoiler]

well that would answer your question, atleast make it a possible answer.
I have found ou that you made typos after page 66 more often.

IS Artemis refering to the Artemis Foul from the Eon Colfer book series?
I realy like the story, even the style and the writing of this reminds me of Eon Colfer.

just something that bothers me is,
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why they didnt just nuke the entire ship?

thepowdertoy · February 2, 2013 at 2:26 AM

I don't know why but when I was reading this story I remember about Prototype... You know, that video game

Alblaka · February 3, 2013 at 12:34 AM Official Post

Quote from Sinnaj63

What food ate all the people in the cities?
Where did you got all your ideas from?

No clue... and, no clue. XD

Quote from bbqroast

Your English is fine, and would work well if spoken. But it doesn't translate on to text very well, at the start it wasn't great but by the end it was practically up to the standard of a well educated person with English as their first language. Did you write this story over a long time (over witch your English improved) or do you take a while to get into the English mood?

Apparently former one, I've started the story somewhen last summer and stopped writing after reaching the point where Artemis made up his theory in regards to subject #6. I can't tell by myself whether there's a noticeable difference between the 'first' and 'second' part of the story, myself...
Many thanks for considering (at least one part of the document) to be on par with a native English speaker. Doubt I can ever fully reach that level, though.

Quote from skavier470

I have found ou that you made typos after page 66 more often.

IS Artemis refering to the Artemis Foul from the Eon Colfer book series?
I realy like the story, even the style and the writing of this reminds me of Eon Colfer.

just something that bothers me is,
story spoiler:

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why they didnt just nuke the entire ship?

Well, usually I write from ~9PM to ~2AM, if said page 66 was written in the latter timeframe, it is may more prone to errors And as much as I try, proofreading your own texts isn't that successfull.
As well, yes, that reference is one of the few included in Afterdusk :3
I love the Artemis Fowl series, one of my first favourite book series. Actually, I think it IS the first one.
Answer to story spoiler:

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If you refer to the military: The ship had a stealth system, accordingly they couldn't find it before. Without the help of Bibi they could have kept searching for, literally, years.

If you refer to why they didn't nuke it after they found the position: Do you really think launching a nuclear warhead across half the solar system would go unnoticed? The Barracuda could have hidden on a different spot on the asteroid field with ease. (<< admittedly, a makeshift excuse, I didn't consider that option)

If you refer to why they didn't nuke it with something they brought aboard: Was their intention, using the Barracuda's reactor for a nuclear meltdown. As well, Miranda was still hoping to save their sister, and hauling a giant bomb aboard the ship wouldn'T exactly have helped with that.

Quote from Thepowdertoy +Bleach

I don't know why but when I was reading this story I remember about Prototype... You know, that video game

Amusingly, I didn't intend the similarities to Prototype, but after playing latter game and then reading the story, it definitely has a load of parallel's.